Monday, 5-26-97
I'm so scared... so alone.. why is he doing this? Gawd,
I love Chris so much.. I thought he loved me too. Everything I found out yesterday.. it's not something I can just forgive, can just get over. How I wish I could just forget and go back to him.. but that's being an idiot. But I don't want to be without him either. I'm a total fool. I love him with all my heart, and my world is falling apart.. I have to move because of this.. move away from my friends.. from the people I care about.. from him. I don't know.. i'm gonna miss him a lot.. but why should I? He's not worth it.. so why do I love him so much.. I thought we were meant to be. How could he do this to me? How could he tell me he loves me? How could he?? Ugh.. my world is falling
apart.. no way to fix it..
Tuesday, 5-27-97
Nothing much has changed.. he still hasn't showed up.
not even called. His little brother, Billy, called me today, looking for him. But heck, like I've seen him. I told Bill I didn't think I'd be seeing him for awhile, and he asked me why, and I said "Because he has more important things to do, like screwing every girl he runs into" and he was like, 'woah.. um.. ok" hehe When my mom talked to Chris' mom, Penny, Penny had
said she didn't hate me. But dang, with calling me a whore and a slut, it surely doesn't seem like she likes me. We used to be close. Gawd, why is this happening? Nothing in my life makes sense anymore. *Sigh* I hung around with Shawna for awhile today. Nothing exciting, nothing cheered me up. But it was nice to get out for awhile. I need to get ahold of Jenny. I wanna talk to her, but she doesn't have a phone yet in her new apartment. I called Jen Case's mom the other day. I don't know why. I don't really like Jen.. I mean I've hated her for so long. But we used to be best friends.. And I felt so bad when I heard about her having early labor.. I hope her son is ok. I guess his name is
Austin, and i realize now that I'd really like to see him. And her I guess. I'm still scared to death of moving. I'm going to be so alone. Welp, it's like
barely the 27th.. almost 5 am. And I'm *still* awake. So I'm gonna go.
Friday, 5-30-97
Well, so much to say. I know I should have written
before, but I haven't. Oops. Anyway, Chris got ahold of me on Wednesday (today is Friday, Wednesday was the 28th) Not exactly. Actually my 'friend' Marla called me. I thought it was cool hearing from her cause I haven't talked to her in awhile. And she asked me "What's going on with you and Chris?" And
I said "he's a f-ing jerk" And she said "oh.. well he's sitting right here" *eeeK* He knew I was mad at him, but he didn't even know that
I was really really mad or any of the stuff that his mom told my mom. None of that. She put him on the phone, and I proceeded to tell him off, about each and every thing. He denies it. All of it. Ick. He swears up and down that it is *not* true. I dunno. So then Chalon calls me later telling me that he is trying to get back together with *her*. Nice thing for someone to call and tell me.. Such friends I have =) And then she told me that she heard that Chris was *also* back with Erin and some girl named Johnna. Eeek. I got off the phone.. Gawd, I was soo pissed. And since then I've been doing my best to not worry about it, and I've been succeeding. BUT, guess who just called me. Chris. Ugh. He asked me, "Are you still pissed at me?" I said, "Do you think I have reason to??" And he said that yes, I do, and no, I don't. He said some of what his mom told me was true, and that some of it isn't. I said "Why did you call *me*? He said "I miss your voice.." *eek* I miss his voice, I miss seeing him.. all of it. But I can't let him do this to me anymore. Anyway, we went through everything his mom told me, and he still swears most of
it isn't true.. and then he said "I'll call you back, I need to talk to someone" all pissed off like, and I asked "who" and he said, "Never mind, I'll call you back" *ick* I want him to call back, and I don't want him to at the same time. And it pisses me off that I want him to, and it pisses me off that it pisses me off if he doesn't. So my point is, I'm confused to heck and back. =) I don't know what to do.. I doubt he'll call back though.. so now to just get over *this* ...
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