Monday, 4-13-98
Well I haven't written in way too long. My life has been kind of crazy, yet I'm having a pretty good time too. Chris and I broke up, on March 30th. Chris left for California on March 31st (I think that's right) Anyhow, I miss him like crazy. Even though we broke up, we don't *act* broken up. You know what I mean? I'm hoping to go see him in June, and he plans to come back to visit in December. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm sure we'll figure things out. This time apart from him is important to
me. It's giving me the time I need to look at the relationship, to see how I feel, to figure out what I really want, and what I think needs to happen. I'm
hoping he's getting a good idea of the same kind of stuff, figuring out what's most important to him, and what not. It seems like he's been gone for like..
over a month, and in reality it hasn't even been a full 2 weeks yet. I don't know how I'll survive this, but I'll find a way. Since he's left, I've been out with friends, constantly. I'm enjoying it a lot, I'm so glad to get out more often, to just have fun, to have people to talk to when I'm feeling upset, or what not. People to laugh with. I always had friends, I realize that now, I just got so lost in my depression that I didn't know how to relate to them anymore. But now I know that it's not hard, you just gotta take the first step. I'm hanging out with Erin Owens mainly, we also made a new friend, Amanda King, and she rocks =) I luff her to death. We go out to visit Kelly Flansas and Brett a lot, and we hang out with Brian, and other people too. I'm actually meeting new people, running into old friends that I haven't talked to in forever, and just having a great time. Why did I ever stop? ;) I have no clue. =)
Other than that, I think of Chris constantly. He calls me about 2 times a day, and sometimes I miss his calls, but I love talking to him. I'm glad to know that he thinks of me, that he misses me, and that he cares and
loves me enough to try to get a hold of me every chance he gets. I should be getting a letter from him today, and my letter to him is 11 pages long right now ;) I don't have his address yet, he told me he'd get it today. So hopefully I'll be able to send it soon. I've been visiting a lot of people that I haven't talked to in a long time.. Pat, Danielle, and the girls, Steve.. the list goes on and on, and Erin introduces me to people I don't know, and I introduced her to Jenny and Josh and others. Life is good. I'm getting my 'senior pictures' taken on May 7th.. and I'm going to go to a stained glass class on May 6th (My mom wants me too, and I think it might be a neat thing to learn. Erin's taking it with me, and maybe Amanda too) I don't know what else I'm going to be up to. I'm hoping to go to either VoTech this fall, or maybe even Carroll College, depending on money situations, and if I have an idea of what I *want* to do.
Anyhow, I need to get some stuff done, and then Erin's picking me up, so I gotta go. I'll try to write more often :p
Friday, 4-24-98
Bleh, I'm sick, and I'm complaining.. ;) Life is going okay. It was going a lot better before, but uh, I guess that's life. I was going out with Erin lots still, Kelly, Brett, and sometimes with Jenny, Josh, Steve, Dino, Eric, Jeremy, Zombie, Destiny, John, and a few others. I was having fun, although I was out too much. It was fun visiting old friends though. Now I'm sick, I got a viral infection in my stomach. It's painful, and icky, and I'm dehydrated, and I don't feel good, and I'm gonna bitch :p I don't know, I just don't seem to be getting better.. I'm getting more and more dehydrated, and I haven't eaten in since Monday.. and today is Friday. Well actually, I ate a small amount of Jell-o, So I guess that's better than nothing. I'm trying to eat, but when I think of eating, it makes me sick to my stomach. Oh well, the doctor said it should last about a week, and he told me that when I went to see him on Wednesday, and I've been sick since Monday.. so *hopefully* the week started then ;p I love Chris and miss him lots ;)
Tuesday, 4-28-98
Hrm, well, I'm still pretty sick.. I dunno, sometimes I'm feeling lots better, and sometimes I just feel like shit. It sucks. Right now I'm feeling okay, but mom's taking me to the doctor again tomorrow. She was talking about a possible hospital stay, but I'm guessing that
I'm alright, or I wouldn't be feeling alright now ;p 'Sides, hospital's scare me.. :) Anyhow, I'm up pretty late, it's like 2:30 am, and I don't know why I'm up.. I should be sleeping, 'specially since I'm sick. I dunno, I guess I'll go in a few minutes. Some reason I just can't sleep.. again.. like usual. I miss Chris. I haven't heard from him since Saturday or Friday (it's not Tuesday) I know he doesn't have a lot of money for phone calls at this point, but before he'd been calling me like 3 or 4 times a day.. :) I think he's just running outta money. I've gotten a few letters from him too which is great.. :) I love hearing from him. Although it seems that he's concerened with my going out all the time (well not since I've been sick anyhow) He said he understands now how I probably felt with him when *he* was going out all the time. It doesn't matter. Chris and I are not a couple, and I need this time by myself, to go out and have a good time. And I know that I cannot stop having a life, even if we were to get back together. And I wouldn't try to stop him from having a life either. Trust is needed, and I don't know if we could reattain that. I'd hope so, but it's hard to say. Things have gotten to such a terrible point already. I still love him a lot though. And I miss him like crazy. I'm planning on visiting him in June.. I can't wait! :) It'll be so wonderful to see him again =) At least I hope everything works out.
Well lets see, Don was in town this weekend, and it was neat to have him around =) While I was feeling better, he took me for a couple of rides on his motorcycle :)) Which cokmpletely rocked =) Except the last trip (yesterday) I started feeling kind of sick, and somehow I don't think throwing up on a motorcycle would work out all that great.. ahh oh well though, I was fine. :) He left today to head to Seattle and then to Portland (I think) Anyhow, he will probably be back sometime soon :) Oh! I called my old friend Beth Weston today. She lives in Erie Pennsylvania (McKean/Edinboro area) where I lived when I was in 3rd through 5th grade. After I heard about the shooting with the kids at James W. Parker Middle School (my old school) I decided I had to call her and see how things were going back there. She said the press was driving her nuts =) lol =) It was *GREAT* talking to her... It's been way too long :) Maybe my next trip back to Pittsburgh I can make it up north to go see her and Karly and everyone =)
Hrm... I can't think of much to talk about.. I think I"m going to go write Chris a letter and go to bed or something.. nothing better to do :) 'Night
Thursday, 4-30-98
It's late and once again I'm up, for what reason, I don't know. It's about 2 am right now, so it's barely the 30th. Still, today is going to be a great day for me. I just know. Well other than the doctor's
appointment I have to go to today. Other than that, I'm expecting a visit from someone very important to me, I hope. I'd say more, but at this point I can't,
because of a promise I made. Other than that, life sucks. Dr. Werner called me yesterday telling me what is wrong with me.. they are sending my blood in for
more tests, and I'm supposed to go in with my mom today to meet with them to discuss some more. I hate this.. I made sure to call Jenny and Erin though, and let them know what's wrong with me, and let them know that if they get any symptoms to go to the doctor, since they were both with me right before I was sick, and I had shared food with them and what not. I don't know what to think of all this. I just want to get better again and be able to go out and have a normal life. Sitting at home sucks. Big time.
I talked with Jennifer Lightner tonight. Her and I have had some interesting conversations lately. She's telling me things I didn't know, about a sitution that's rather close to me. Once again, I can't say anything. Besides, I know nothing for sure, it's basically all rumor at this point, but I'm still very curious about it all, and I hope to hear more. You know, I think it really sucks that certain people read this now, and I can't write whatever I want. I know of so many people that are somewhat checking up on me, reading through this to keep 'tabs' on me. I hate it. But oh well, that's what I get for putting this on the web. I had just meant this for people I didn't know personally. Somehow, that's changed. So now I have to be careful. Makes it so that what I type makes no sense to anyone else. Oh well :) That's life ;)
I'm not sure what else to write.. I just feel like writing. Tim called me tonight ;) That rocked, I haven't talked to him in a long time and I've missed talking with him. I told him that, so when he reads this, HI TIM :) Anyhow, I was surprised when he called. I really didn't expect him to call me again.. I just figured it'd been so long.. who knows. :) He's an awesome guy and I'm way happy I got a chance to talk
with him. I also got to talk to Chris for a few minutes. He found something with my name on it some place and is getting it for me ;) I can never find my
name on *anything*. So everyone I know, when they see something with my name on it, *have* to buy it. I've only gotten like 3 or 4 things.. no wait, 5 I guess.
I have such a stupid boring name. Oh well, it's mom's fault, not mine ;)
Mom, Shawn, and I went to his old apartment today to finish clearing stuff out. It was a nice excuse to get out of the house. I'm going nuts in here. But I've been moody all day, and I think I drove Shawn and Mom nuts, because ever since I found out what's wrong with me, I just.. I dunno, haven't been in the best of moods I guess. Stress. That must be it. Talking with Chris, Jenny, Erin, Jennifer, and Tim about it helped though. By the time I was done talking to Tim I was way happy :) So no problems now. Except boredom.
Enough of this mindless rambling, I should go. :) I LOVE CHRIS :)
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