Sunday, 10-4-98
I'm so annoyed, so frustrated. I can't even think
straight anymore. I don't know what to say, what to do. It's as if everything
I try is wrong. And all I'm trying is to make things worse. I need to discuss
things when they bother me, I need to be able to work through them. I need to
be able to do that, and then put it behind me. I can't just forget and pretend
nothing happened. I just *can't*. And when I try to work through things, I get
this "You're just trying to start an argument, you just like to argue, I'm
not even going to comment" thrown at me. And I get so mad, so frustrated,
I just want to give up and never deal with it again. But I can't. I must deal
with it. I must find some way to ignore how I feel, and just make things work
in some way, just to be able to get along.. to have things be 'ok'. Not for my
sake, no. But I must. It has to be done. But how? How, when all we can do is
argue? I don't even mean to argue!^$ I just want to discuss things,
rationally.. Maybe my voice gets a little louder at times, because of
frustration. But to have that pointed out to me and being told "You're
just trying to argue" does *NOT* help. It just makes me more frustrated,
and I get more upset, and you can hear it in my voice, as I try so damn hard to
be rational.. and calm.. when really I just want to crawl in my corner and hide
from the world, or kill someone. How can I do this? How? Ugh..
Monday, 10-5-98
Today was alright, though slow and boring. Mom and
I made dinner and sat and talked and got along great, and didn't do much of
anything. I've spent some time on my computer.. I talked to Chris when he
called.. Not much of interest. I'm in a better mood than I was when I wrote
last night.. heh, I was soo mad then. I'm still annoyed, and frustrated, but
I'm feeling better, overall. Distance from a situation can do that. :) Anyhow,
I don't really have all that much to say. Life is boring, but I'm content as it
is. :)
Thurdsay, 10-8-98
Today was ok. Boring as well. I'm sick, which
sucks. A cold that seems to get worse every day.. bleh.. oh well. I slept
almost all day.. Which sucked. Chris called around 12 which woke me up ;) But
that's ok. Then he called again tonight. Jennifer called, Aunt Dawn called.
Hrm.. didn't do much of anything, didn't even eat dinner. I need a life I
swear. I feel like shit though. Ick. Oh well, maybe when I'm feeling better
I'll go see Jenny and shit. Lala. Jennifer said she's going to call me
tomorrow and maybe come see me, so that's cool, and I get to baby sit for
Brittany and Alicia next weekend! Yay! I miss the girls.
Monday, 10-12-98
Well it's about 2:30 am, and I'm awake. So it's
barely the 12th. yay. Today is Monday. I'm sure you cared, right? Not.
Anyhow. I talked to Mike last night. Conversation did not go well. I suppose
he wouldn't be too happy about me putting this on my webpage though, so I guess
I can leave out the details. I didn't feel like sharing them anyhow. I'm in
the *worst* mood right now. I can't explain it. I'm just not happy. I'm just
here. I just hate everything at the moment. Oh well, big deal. Life goes on,
right? Life has been rather interesting for me lately.
I went to the
Oktoberfest on Friday with Mom, because she was working there. She had to set
up a safety trailer for the government, anyhow. I ran into Steph there (Chris'
little sister) and she and I got to talking. It was really great to see her
again. It's been so long since we've talked. I shared with her the latest in
my life, and she told me what's going on with her. She was waiting for Kasie to
arrive, I guess. Anyhow, then Kasie came up (Hi Kasie) and Steph introduced us.
Only Kasie didn't seem very happy, that or she was in a big hurry, because she
immediately went inside. Erm. Anyhow. Then Kasie's mom came out to try to
talk Steph into going inside. Later Chris' Mom came out and screamed at Steph.
Apparently, or so I've been told, Stephanie was told by her mother that she is
no longer allowed to speak with me, or my mother, because we are trash. Damnit.
I really hate it when that happens. :)
Anyhow, no offense to Penny, or
any other member of their family, I found this all rather humorous. I mean, I
don't understand why they won't just get over it. It's pathetic. To say the
least. And I believe that Steph should be able to talk with whomever she wants.
Oh well, not everyone thinks the same as I do. Obviously. Anyhow.. Mom and I
went back to the fairgrounds on Saturday. And I saw Steph around, but that was
about it. Nothing all that interesting happened, except it was cold, and I
wanted a ring :( *Sniff* Oh well. I talked to Chris on Saturday as well,
which was neat. I'm really glad him and I are getting along. :)
Yesterday
(Sunday), I talked to Mike, as I previously mentioned. Prior to that, Mom and I
ran some errands, went to have food, and went grocery shopping, then mixed up
stuff for apple and pumpkin pies. =) Was an okay day. Anyhow, nothing else to
write, I don't think. Bleh.
Thursday, 10-15-98
Today was okay. Yesterday (Wednesday) I had my
stained glass class. I finished the coyote for my mom, and fixed my project
that I broke. Mom took both to work with her today, and apparently *another*
person wants to buy one, by Christmas. I must get working on all these
projects!! Everyone wants them done by Christmas, it's insane. And if I'm
going to make anything for people for Christmas myself... erm... yeah right.
Wish me luck finding the time. What I need, is to get some of these done, get
the money, and buy my own equipment. Then I only need money up front for the
glass, and I'll have all the time I need to work. *Sighs* Would be so much
simpler then. Of course, I'd still need to go downtown fairly often for the
glass. Go figure. :) Strange part is, most of these people want theirs to look
identical to the one I made, only I've been thinking, and I'm not sure I want
other people having them the same as mine.. I want mine to be different in some
way. Maybe I'll alter them a bit, they'll never know.. Heh :) What else have I
been up to? I talked to Chris earlier today.. He called to tell me about going
to court, I think, and to ask how things have been going. We talked for a bit,
I guess he's coming back in November, because of Kasie having the baby. Maybe
I'll get to see him, maybe not, we'll see. I guess Jennifer tried to stop by
earlier in the week, but I must have been sleeping and didn't answer the door ;p
Tomorrow mom needs to go downtown, so I'm going to go start on some of my
projects for a bit, and then come back by the house, and Jennifer is supposed to
come by around 2, I think. She's no longer in school, she got into too much
trouble :( She's going to end up like me if she isn't careful *laugh* And
that's bad. :) I haven't seen her in quite some time.. well.. For a couple of
minutes shortly after I returned from Seattle, when Jenny and Kalob and I were
on our way into the main offices of Stewart Homes, to talk to Jenny's mom. But
that's it. I miss her :p I haven't talked to Jenny in awhile. She must be
pretty busy with working now. Everytime I call she's not home. I miss her too
:( It sucks. And Erin, who never wants to leave the house. Oh well though, I
suppose I'll survive.. =) That's life for you. :) Shawna ran away again, I
think.. not sure..
Well my computer froze yet again. Gee, I wonder
who could be doing that, *kawfpwkawf* Erm. Anyhow. ;) My life is so incredibly
boring. I really must start finding things to do. Sitting around all day,
playing on my computer, reading, etc.. It's just getting old. I'm tired of it.
But I'm so different than most people around here. I don't know how to explain
it. I just am. Most people in this town are complete morons and not people I
wish to associate with anyhow. I have my few good friends, and even I have
troubles spending time with them, because for the most part, everyone's partying
all the time, doing drugs, etc. And I don't do that.. Not anymore. I mean,
Jenny and I can hang out, because she's so busy with Kalob, but she's soo busy
that it's not often we can. Where as I'm the complete opposite. I'm not busy
at all.
Oh well, I will survive. I always do. It's kind of strange,
if I read through all my diary entries, it's like.. sometimes I'd have a life,
sometimes I wouldn't, back and forth, etc. This is one of those times that I
don't. Though I think most of the time I don't. Oh well. What am I supposed
to write in this damn thing??
I'm starting to think it's pointless.
The point of this was to be able to write my thoughts, and feelings, and express
who I am. Yet I have all these people who read it.. people who I don't to know
personal things about me. Some of them absolutely 'hate' me. So why do they
care anyhow? Really for the most part, I don't mind any of the internet people
I know reading all this, knowing all my thoughts and feelings. There aren't
many things that I've kept from here because of people on IRC or whatever. But
it's the people in my town. (If you know I mean you, and want to take offense,
please go complain/bitch to someone else, unless you really enjoy providing me
with entertainment) As time goes on, I seem to be able to write less and less
about things.. Maybe it's me.. maybe it's everyone else. Maybe I shouldn't
care, and I should just write whatever the hell I want anyway. *Shrugs*
I
get to baby-sit for Brittany and Alicia on Saturday! I'm soo happy about that.
I haven't seen them since my mom's wedding, and that was in May. Long time, way
too long. I'm going over to Danielle's tomorrow night, and staying the night,
since I have to watch them early Saturday. Danielle has to work during the day,
so I get to watch them all day. They'll probably go play at their friends a lot
though. And I'm sure they'll try on their Halloween costumes for me. Which
rocks, since I guess they might be going out of town this Halloween, and usually
they *always* come by on Halloween. :) They always have the most *adorable*
costumes. :) I can't wait to see them :) I'm sure Danielle will get pictures
for me though, so I can put them up.
Danielle has been a big help to
talk to so far, and we haven't even talked all that much about my 'problems' ;)
I'm curious as to how the girls will react.. I know they already know, but I
haven't talked to them. So that should be interesting. Danielle is using me as
an example of what *not* to do when they get older *grins* I get such a kick
out of that.
Don (my step-dad) should be in town at the end of the
month. Mom's birthday is November 1st, and I know he wanted to be here for
that. I think he'll be in town for Halloween, though I'll probably still be
stuck handing out the candy myself. Wouldn't be so bad, except for the dogs..
they freak out all the little kids, and make it impossible to answer the door.
Maybe I'll figure something out in advance. Like shutting them out in the back
hall. I did that last year, but not until after the first few kids showed up.
Of course, Ebbie and Shadow did *not* enjoy that, and barked and scratched at
the door the entire time. Yay. All the kids love coming to my house, because
my mom gives out whole candy bars. Why? I dunno. But it means the kids try to
sneak by 3 or 4 times. I love catching them at this. I'm like "Gee,
haven't I seen you before?" Sometimes they go as far as to alter their
costumes a bit first. It's rather humorous. Also, mom puts *labels* on the
candy. She puts our phone number and address.. it's rather embarrassing.
Everyone's always like "I know where you live and your phone number."
"Yeah, yeah, go away." She does it so they don't throw out the candy
or something. I dunno. It's kinda silly, but I suppose it makes sense.
Well
I was attempting to ramble to write more, and I think I rambled about everything
I can think of at the moment. Heh, I have such a boring life. :) Bye.
Saturday, 10-17-98
Well I went to Danielle's yesterday to stay the
night. We ordered pizza, and watched some movies on TV. Britt and Alicia had
rented some movies, we we didn't watch them Friday night. I went to sleep
around 12 and then Saturday morning woke up pretty early, and the girls watched
their movies. Olsen twins, and some Disney movie. Then they got breakfast, and
then tried on their Halloween costumes for me, which are *adorable*. We just
basically hung around all day, played Oregon trail with Alicia a few times, etc.
It was a lazy day more or less, neither of them wanted to go outside and play
or anything. They're getting so big. :) I'm glad I got to see them. Except
I've had this horrible migraine all day. Alicia and Brittany and I sat down and
discussed things going on in my life, which they were quite intrigued about. We
also discussed Chris, and the events in his life. They seem to miss him. :)
It's cute. Anyhow.. today would have been Chris' and mine 3 year anniversary.
I just realized that a bit ago. It's kind of strange, I wonder if he remembers.
Hrm. Mom wants to go get some dessert, so I'll be back later.
Sunday, 10-18-98
Well it's like 3 am, I should be sleeping. Mom wants
me to go run some errands with her, so I need to be awake. I have this awful
migraine still too, and I need to sleep for awhile and *hope* I sleep it off.
Of course I've had it for days now, so I guess there isn't too much hope of
that. *Sighs* I'm bored, I'm writing because of lack of better things to do.
I keep considering writing what's going on with me, but then I know people will
find out from reading this, people I'd rather tell than have them read it on my
on-line diary. Yet, I keep putting off telling them.. It's hopeless :) Besides
that I'm writing about absolutely nothing here, rambling.. as usual. Apparently
we've had deer in our yard lately, eating the apples that fall off the trees. I
haven't seen them yet, but it'd be kinda neat to see them.. I guess they're
right outside my window at night, when they are here. Strange that deer would
come in our yard, but kinda cool anyhow. This is kind of in the middle of town,
not the outskirts, so strange that deer are in town anyhow. Of course, I have
seen them a couple of blocks away before. So I guess it's not too unusual.
Know what's strange? It's only October, like halfway through the month, and I
keep thinking of Christmas cards. I mean, how pathetically early is that? I
keep thinking I should get addresses I need now, before I forget later. :p
Help me, I'm losing my mind. :) I have another doctors appointment at the end
of the month, it'll be with a doctor I've never seen before. I hope she's nice,
because I'm going to be seeing a lot of her :p I'm still concerned about my
liver, so I think I'm going to have them check on that as well. I definitely
don't want to relapse, at least not now. Oh, I guess Chris *isn't* coming
home in November. He really needs to make his mind up. *Smiles* He'll probably
either be back in November or December, so I'll see him whenever he makes it :p
If his family will let him see me, that is.. They sure don't like to let him
spend much time with me :p I guess Jenny called Friday night while I was at
Danielle's, which sucks, because I can't ever get ahold of her when I call her.
And then I missed her phone call *sigh* I'll have to try to call her tomorrow
and hope she's not working or something. I really want to see her and Kalob,
it's been awhile. Ok, I should get some sleep. Bye.
Well today went
ok. I got some sleep finally, after I wrote all of that. :p I woke up around
11 or so I think (am, not P.M. ;) and then after being lazy until about 2:30, I
got into the shower, and mom and I left here around 2:45 or 3.. we had to go to
the dump to get rid of some things, and then we went to the grocery store, and
to walmart, and then to get something to eat. We had fun anyhow, being
completely silly stupid ;) The guy at the grocery store bagged it in plastic
even though mom had said she wanted paper, so she turned around to put the
receipt in the bag, and said "Didn't I ask for paper? I know I asked for
paper" I felt bad for the poor guy and I whispered to mom "You're
rude" and she's all loud like "What? I'm rude?" *cringe*
anyhow, after he left and we were getting ready to leave, we both cracked up
laughing, and she said it was kind of rude but she was shocked. That humored me
more as I can imagine there are lots of bigger shocks in life than finding out
you have plastic bags.. it was funny.. guess you had to be there. The silliness
kept up all after noon. On our way home from getting food, we were singing old
songs, and she was trying to remember "Pop goes the weasel" and she
said "Monkey does the weasel" or something and I busted up laughing
and she realized what she said and we both kept laughing. And then Don called
and she talked to him and she was like "Around and around the mulberry
bush, the monkey does the weasel, the monkey thought it was a joke, *pop* goes
the weasel" *dies* :) Anyhow was rather humorous. :) My mother and I
*are* strange, please don't ask. :)
Later I talked to Kasie, and Penny,
which was interesting to say the least. I dunno if anything's solved or not,
but I guess we'll see what happens in the future. I was really rather angry
about something that had happened, which is why I initiated the conversation
with Penny. Kasie had told me that Penny had copied a diary entry of mine and
sent it to Kasie. Anyhow, I think we resolved it like I said.
Nothing much
else to write about really. Mom's going out of town in the morning. Oh yeah,
and we ran into Jenny at WalMart, since she works there now. Was cool, since I
haven't been able to get ahold of her. I guess she took Kalob in to have his
pictures taken so I get more pictures of him soon *yay*
Monday, 10-19-98
Today was okay. Mom went out of town this morning, and
won't be back until Wednesday or Thursday. Which kinda sucks because I enjoy
spending time with her. :) Today was pretty boring. I slept a good part of the
day, and did nothing else. I hardly even talked to anyone.. Levi did call
though, so I talked to him. That's about it. Oh yeah, and Chris called a
couple of times.. Once because I had called him and told him to call me back and
the other to ask me to see if Steph was on-line so he could call her. I don't
think I talked to anyone else *thinks* I should really get ahold of Erin at
some point though. She's only got a couple of weeks until her due date, so she
could be having the baby at any time! And I haven't even talked to her. I must
find a way out to her house to see her, but she seems so distant from everyone
*sighs* I hope she's doing okay.
That's about all. Today really was a
boring day heh. Oh well
Thursday, 10-22-98
Nothing much is going on in my life. I haven't done
much of interest. I haven't been feeling all that great either. Mom got home
today (Thursday) and we had lunch together.. I didn't go to my stained glass
class yesterday. I felt like shit.. hehe.. Oh well. Levi came over yesterday..
I was sleeping. He walked in the house like he usually does without knocking.
I woke up when he walked by the couch. ;) Surprised the hell outta me. I'm
sure I looked so lovely right after waking up too *grins* Oh well, I'm not
trying to impress Levi, or anyone else :) What else? Chris called yesterday
when I was half asleep and I think I was kind of mean to him =/ Oops. I dunno,
I can barely remember it :p I saw Randy yesterday too.. Randy being Pat
Woofter's step-dad. He came over to see me. He's really cool. :) Er.. Pat
Woofter's ex-step-dad I guess. *Shrugs* And um.. this lady at the store down
the street really pisses me off, but that's another story in itself. :) Can't
think of much else to write, except I have another migraine, and it hurts. and
I'm considering going to lay down :( Bye.
Monday, 10-26-98
Woo. Life is okay, boring still, as usual *grins* But
that's alright, I'm getting used to it. Today's Monday, yay. I've been
sleeping at night again the last few nights, which rocks, but I dunno how long
that will last. ;) I've been *really* tired lately.. it sucks.. I just feel
like I'm going to collapse at the end of the day. Go figure huh? :) Mom and I
spent the weekend cleaning out that car mom bought from Chris. It took
forever.. That car had sat in their backyard for like.. a couple of years.. ;)
It was completely gross inside ;) *laugh* We used upolstry cleaner and carpet
cleaner and cleaned everything else out.. Haven't cleaned the outside yet.. and
we still have to replace the one headlight.. and a few other things.. We
replaced the windshield wipers and some other stuff.. it's starting to look
pretty good *laugh* Mom is driving it to work this week because after the
transmission just got redone etc, we have to put 50 miles on it in 14 days and
take it back to have it checked for the warranty to be any good.. So :) I
talked to Chrystina and Amanda on the phone last night (HI GIRLS) which was fun.
I might be going out to Seattle next month to visit Mike, and if I do, I'm
definitely going to hang out with Chrystina too ;) I wanna meet her, I think
we'd have fun *Grins* And if she ever makes it to Montana to visit her friend
in Missoula she'll definitely have to come visit me as well :) She wants to
attempt to out argue my Mom anyhow *laugh* I also talked to Chris shortly last
night and today.. was the first I'd heard from him in awhile. I feel really bad
for Kasie because I know that Chris hasn't been calling her much.. But I dunno
what's with him. I think he just wants a break from things.. but it's hard to
say. With him and I being just friends it's a bit easier for him to talk with
me about his problems.. And I understand that. Hell, I talk to Chris about all
my problems as well *grin* =) I'm so glad that him and I were able to stay
friends.. at first I didn't think I could do that, but I really have no problem
with it now. As my mom said, it just takes time. I can remember after we broke
up just crying so badly and my mom hugging me.. and me asking her if I could
never talk to him again, or if it would ever be possible to be friends.. I was
so upset. But it took a lot less time than I had thought it would.
Halloween
is this coming weekend.. and to top it off, Mom is planning on going out of town
with Don, and Shawn plans to go to Missoula. Which means I definitely will be
answering the door, and I'll be the only one home. Oh well, usually some
friends stop by so I suppose they can come visit me.. heh, otherwise I'll be
bored out of my mind. I also hope Britt and Alicia and Danielle stay in town
for Halloween because I've seen their costumes and they are adorable.. And I
can't wait to see them completely dressed up for Halloween. Besides, they
*always* come by on Halloween.. and it would be a bit disappointment if they
didn't this year. :) I love those girls so much. :) I have a doctors
appointment this Wednesday which should be pretty cool (Yes, I know some people
are starting to figure out what's up, but I don't really care, I will write
about what I want. Just don't bug me about it ok? Thanks ;) I'm pretty excited
about it. I believe Jenny is going to take me.. which should be neat. It'll be
cool to have a friend there with me. :) I mean, I enjoy having mom there a lot,
but I know it's hard for her.. Besides, she'll have to take off work, and Jenny
has Wednesday off. Hopefully she can get her mom's car, since her's isn't
running right. :) And I'll probably get to see Kalob too :)
Anyhow,
enough rambling at the moment. :) Maybe I'll write more later today if I
remember to actually update my page *grins* Bye ;D
Friday, 10-30-98
Well it's just about bedtime ;) It's almost midnight,
and I'm tired as all hell, not to mention I feel like shit. My stomach is
killing me. :( Oh well. Today was a *long* day. Mom and I went to UPS, and
then to the grocery store, back to the house to put that all away, to Arby's for
food, then to the jewelry store, then spent like over 2 hours at the stained
glass store, to insty prints, back to stained glass, and finally home. Don got
in town today as well and was waiting at home for like 2 hours before we got
back. :) Tomorrow I get to hand out candy *yay* not. :) Oh well, I'm way
tired, and it's definitely bed time. I have no reason to stay up, and like I
said, I'm way tired. Oh yeah, Levi stopped by tonight, walking in without
knocking as usual ;) *grin* nothing new there. :) Anyhow..
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