Okay this is some random men jokes that I have had sent to me/found/etc. =)
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to
get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you
can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We
cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their
stomachs every time they see a bikini
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make
him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He
buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All
he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It
should be opened by the time she bringsit to the couch.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He
just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three.
One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much
better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any
place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a
man's penis?
His body.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to
women?
Exchange him.
What makes a man think about a candelight dinner?
A
power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A
woman to show him how to work it.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His
wife is good at picking out clothes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys
watching a football game.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching
Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling
you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put
the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big
Foot's been spotted a several times.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can
understand them.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're
all pigs.
Why did God create man first?
He needed a rough
draft.
Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?
Blonde
men are stupid too.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after
mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them
from grazing.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their
brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't
like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because
after 30 seconds they forget what happene
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if
they all went, it would be Hell.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because
not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why does the doctor hit the baby's behind when it is born?
To
knock the balls off the smart ones.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When
it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
How is being at a singles bar different than being at the
circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off of his neck.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it has never happened.
Thanks to Carol Mandera and allen-1 for the jokes
101 reasons why it's great to be a girl:
1. free drinks
2. free dinners
3. free lunches
4. free movies (you get the point)
5. you can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay
6. you can cry without pretending there's something in your contact
7. you know the truth about whether size matters
8. speeding ticket? What's that?
9. you can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay
10. you actually get extra points for sitting on your butt watching sports
11. you don't have to try to laugh louder, deeper and harder than your
buddies
12. if you never have a son, it's okay
13. if you do have a son, and he's a lousy athlete, it's still okay
14. if YOU'RE a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a
human being
15. a new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life
16. in high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder
strategically positioned
17. if you have sex with someone and don't call them them next day,it
doesn't mean you're the devil
18. you don't have to count how many people you've slept with
19. condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex
20. if you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud
21. if you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling
22. you can sleep your way to the top
23. you can sue for sexual harassment
24. you can sue the President for sexual harassment
25. if you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup
26. if you use self tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser
27. same with tanning beds
28. nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep
29. you could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group
shower
30. no fashion faux pas you make could rival the Speedo
31. if you're pregnant, YOU get to decide what to do about it
32. Brad Pitt
33. you don't have to fart to amuse yourself
34. if you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being
emotionally neglected
35. YOU never have to wonder if your orgasm was real
36. you'll never have to decide where to hide your nose hair clipper
37. when you take off your shoes, nobody passes out
38. if the person you're dating is much better at something than you are,
you don't have to break up with him
39. if you think the person you're dating really likes you, you don't have
to break up with him
40. excitement is only as far as the nearest drug/beauty store
41. if you don't shave, no one will know
42. you can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass
43. if you have a zit, you can conceal it
44. you don't have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates
are still there.
45. if you want to have sex, you always can
46. if you're dumb, some people will find it cute
47. you don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in [Blues
Brothers and Animal House top Fletch -MAP]
48. if you love someone, it's easy for you to tell him
49. you can dress yourself
50. your hair is yours to keep
51. if you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're
really chic
52. once a month, you have an excuse to be a total bitch
53. you don't need a special occasion to hug your dad
54. you never have to wonder if you'll offend someone by opening the door
55. when necessary, you can live without sex
56. you can always get a ride hitch-hiking
57. you don't have to pretend to like cigars
58. you don't have to pretend you liked cigars before they were cool
59. you'll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything
60. you can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture
them naked
61. if you marry someone 20 years younger, you're aware that you look like
an idiot
62. you don't think that wearing a warm coat in the dead of winter makes
you look like a wuss
63. you'll never lose your voice from screaming at the TV
64. if you wear cologne, you don't have to pretend it's after shave
65. You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley
66. you never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist
67. you don't have a scar right under your chin
68. you and your friends don't have to get totally wasted in order to share
your feelings
69. if you talk to your mom every day, it's normal
70. if you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty
71. sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need
72. you can quickly end any fight simply by crying
73. you can decide not to work once you've had kids
74. your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach in
your teeth
75. when you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing
76. sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems
77. if you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it
78. you have never had a goatee
79. gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable
80. you'll never regret piercing your ears
81. you can fully assess someone just by looking at their shoes
82. you'll never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra
83. when you wear sweat pants, it isn't obscene
84. you know better than to ever use Grecian Formula
85. it doesn't take you an hour to go to the bathroom
86. you don't have hair on your back
87. your GP never has to put on a rubber glove [Ouch]
88. when you get dumped, you can admit you're depressed
89. if anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get
implants
90. you can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark
91. If you have big ears, no one has to know
92. if someone takes your seat in a bar, you don't have to hit them
93. it's okay if you can't drive stick
94. Ally McBeal
95. when you fall in love, you don't need a Jerry McGuire Moment to help
you realize it
96. you get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can
97. you can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on
Springer
98. you've known the joy of making a collage for your BFF
99. you can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny
100. you bond easily
101. when you become President, you'll be the first woman ever.
More soon.
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